The arm chair chef.
According to
Bill everyone except himself, Jamie Oliver and Nigela Lawson were lazy.
You’ll miss
me when I’m gone, bill said as they sat around the dinner table, the children
looked at their mum as if to say here we go again. “Oh yes it’ll soon be my
turn,”
His mother
said “he doesn’t take after me for that moaning” and the children all pulled
another face expressing whatever. “I’m
not moaning merely stating a fact” bill said. “You wanna remember where you
come from” replied his mother, “I never brought him up like that”.
48 painful
hours to get him out if he had got a move on he wouldn’t of been a Wednesday child
(full of woe).
Apparently according
to bill Trevor MacDonald was far too old to be gallivanting around the world he’d
be on the “tele” long enough. He changed to the cooking channel, on the odd
occasion that bill laughed his son would say “feeling better dad” and bill
would go back into his “I’ve not got long” speech.
Bill liked
to cook and would be whistling and singing away to his chilli fried chicken
done in his very own wok. Oh yes he had learnt a lot sitting in front of the
tele watching all those cooking programmes and of course correcting them when
obvious mistakes where being made. “I wouldn’t chop my onions like that” he
would shout at the hairy bikers. “Why don’t you try some new recipes” asked his
wife Clara. “NO I don’t like food” He would reply. NO just shouting at celebrity
cooks she thought. Bill had all the necessary
tools in his kitchen, 6 chopping boards, garlic press, boxed knifes, and of
course his collection of woks. Bill would spend ages in the supermarket looking
at the utensils while his wife waited with anticipation only for bill to walk
away empty handed, “nothing there dear” Clara would ask “no ill have a look
next time”. His wife sighed and bill thought she was disappointed, but in fact it
was desperation.
Bill rushed
in from the shops with his fillet of steak in his hand, can’t wait to try out
my new griddle pan (a Christmas gift), He was never that excited about the new
bed Clara thought.
He sang away
while he griddled his steak and chopped his chillies and lettuce and onions and
arranged it nicely on the plate, he had often ordered a lettuce and onion salad
when in Spain only to have the waiter return with a large mixed salad.
He sat down
to his lovely looking fillet steak that he had given precise instructions to
the butcher on how to slice. “That was perfection” he said when he had cleaned
his plate. “How about you dear?” “O yes very nice” said Clara looking down at
her weight watchers meal wondering what she could eat now. They had invited Clara’s
parents Mac and Mable to tea on occasions but Mac had to be careful what he ate
and Mable was still full from their last cruise. Mac had drawn the line when
she tried to fit her skateboard in the case for buffet nights, and also he had
to get his microphone in, so Mable would have to lift the suit cases with the skate
board under her arm. Clara’s sister
often popped in for the odd pernod and peanuts but she would never stay for
tea. She was on a diet. “oh no” Clara would hear from the kitchen “what” she
would call out “that Greg has sent home my favourite and his just stuffed his
face with her tiramisu as well”, “o” said Clara who wasn’t a fan of master
chef. Clara thought back to when they was younger and bill would walk round his
mother’s house singing forsooth forsooth for I have for sinned, it had crossed Clara’s
mind then that bill was a crackpot, but June insisted that it was only a bit of
banter and the sooner they was married the better. Clara wondered when he would
grow out of it but now at 47 and ¼ she realised that bill was as he was.
One night
when watching a movie Clara went to fetch some popcorn on her return she said
to bill, “I didn’t know Michelle Rouge was a gangster” “O no” laughed bill “I changed
the channels just wanted to check out Michelle’s technique” he told her then flicked
his blip back to the movie missing the best bit. Clara deplored Nigela nights
when bill would go into deep discussion about Nigela’s wrist movements she
mixed the best puddings and still managed to have her lipstick on. Clara looked
at bill in amazement was he really from this planet.
His friend
had opened a restaurant and on busy day’s bill would lend a hand peeling and chopping
potatoes making a world of difference to the mash and gave tips on how to make pastry
never having made it himself.
Bill was in
fact a good cook his chilli chicken had often been praised and cooking a full English
on Sunday for 10 was no problem his crusty chicken sandwiches was well known in
the royal British legion he would hand them out while arguing with the committee
over the rules is rules book. But he couldn't bake a cake like Clara. Bill had
given Clara a top of the range mixer for Christmas has her wrist technique was nowhere
near Nigela’s. Clara was biding her time before she used her new toy, and new
that her brother in law would appreciate her efforts being an avid cake eater not
telling her about the lack of sugar or I think you have had it in the oven to
long, as bill would have pointed out after having a little nibble. Bill had
dreamt of having his own restaurant or BB one day where he could serve up his culinary
delights or even bills buffet would be a good start, maybe one day thought bill
as he sat watching the grate British bake off, Clara had managed to get the TV
bleep first and was watching coronation street, “what’s happened to those two”
asked bill. Aldrey and her latest flame was having a conversation in the rovers
hardly moving their mouths. I think they’ve had botox said Clara. “Where they
had it up their arse” said bill as he took the remote to find something else to
watch. He flicked through the channels and settle on the restaurant inspector Clara didn’t mind she liked this one
but before the smartly dress man who helped them had hardly got his foot in the
door bill had already pointed out to Clara all the mistakes the restaurant owners
had made and what they could do to improve it. Clara carried on watching anyway
but low and behold at the end of the program bill reminded her how right he had
been and he should have his own restaurant. Yes thought Clara and you could
tell all the customers what to eat. Even poor old Roy in corrie could make more
money if he put his back into it.
Clara’s mother Mable asked her how the lovely
bill was, and Clara replied “still moaning”. “O well at least his happy he
seems to be at his happiest when his moaning” said Mable, who was preparing for
her next cruise, can’t wait she said all that lovely food.
Clara and
bills son had started cooking now he was at the big school, he had brought home
some very nice dishes and Clara had eaten them all, bill had refused politely
he would refrain until his son had at least one Michelin star under his belt.
Clara was pleased that her son was happy cooking but in the back of her mind
was dreading the day when he may come to her not to say that he was gay but
wanting to subscribe to the cooking channel.
When June
came around for tea on Thursday bill and his mother would discuss this week’s
master chef all the coming and goings and the useless contestants. June reminded
Clara how patient he had been in his younger days, ironing his jeans with
perfect creases when Clara was in labour and then parking 10 minutes away from
the hospital entrance so that Clara could take in the fresh air before her
ordeal which he hoped was not a waste of time because he had work the next day.
Clara assured him that is was real as she walked across the car park in agony. Bill
was so pleased it wasn’t a false alarm he took out his neatly exact size
sandwiches and flask that he had made after ironing his jeans, “take as long as
you like dear I’m set up for the night” “OK” said Clara. Bill had been very
good with all the children making perfect bottles feeding them bathing them and
looking after Clara, she never dreamt he would turn into an arm chair Gordon Ramsey.
It was a
good job bill wasn’t into cooking in the late 60’s and 70’s he would have been enthralled
by the comings and goings of fanny and Johnny, she would stand holding her hand
out telling Johnny to put his rolling pin in it. Then at the end of the show he
would say I bet you wish your doughnuts looked like fanny’s. Even upstairs down
stairs, it wasn’t a cooking program but you would often hear Mr. Hudson telling
Mrs. Bridges to resume her position over the agar. Practically pornographic.
Bills favourite
was Jamie Oliver he could often have something rustled up and on the table in
15 minutes, bill told Clara you would be surprised what Jamie can do with his
toasted nuts, Clara now often joins bill in watching Jamie toasting his nuts.
Clara offered to do the evening meal one night and bill requested a cheese
sandwich crust bread medium cut thick butter cheese thinly sliced and onions
chopped and a side dish of 13 chips. Clara presented the meal but had put 14
chips on the plate as she was superstitious but as she expected when bill
finished he had left one chip on the plate. O well waste not want not Clara
thought and put the chip in her mouth.
